Blame Abba

I wasn't into alcohol much in those days, just the occasional beer and so on. But I was really getting into my fantasy now and wanted to go further. I needed to try out the whole thing, seeing myself tarted up, with a drink, just to see what it felt like. Imagine myself in a pub, showing off, being looked at. By men. Of course.

In a pub? Little did I know the prescience in that thought.

And by men? Definitely of course. I didn't know a lot about sex at the time but I did know one thing. In some way I was different. Maybe a little weird. Maybe a queer. That's the word used at the time, not gay, that came later. I liked the look of men. I had never ever done anything about it though. I was still at college, still closeted, still supervised closely most of the day and night. OK, I did get out a bit on my own. Not very often but I knew enough to know I was different.

Actually now I know a lot better. It's called 'bisexual' now, someone who likes both sexes. I do that. In different ways of course, and it has taken me some time to sort it out in my head. Back then I just thought I was queer.

So I sat on a high stool in the kitchen with a gin-and-tonic in my hand and had one of mother's cigarettes, just fantasising about a man seeing me there.

"Hello there, darling. Would you like to come in?" I said, out loud.

Imagining myself being interrupted by a double-glazing salesman or someone similar. Imagining him feeling my leg, me getting him aroused. I posed for over an hour, sipping the drink slowly, going out to the back of the house, into the yard, feeling the breeze on my legs. Just feeling great. And not realising that only a few years later that whole fantasy would get revisited with a vengeance.

But time was getting on. I went back upstairs, changed back and got everything neatly away before mother came home. I am sure she never suspected anything. Over the next few years I did the same again, getting just as big a thrill every time out of my fantasy, and thoroughly enjoying my accompanying wank, which just got more and more ferocious every time.